Make it stop!

I can't stop sneezing! I wanna die! Seriously, I think I've sneezed every four minutes this morning. What's wrong with me?
Atisshoo!
There! I just sneezed again!
Why me? Why this torture?
Supposedly, sneezing is caused by a bacterial build up in the throat, lungs, or nasal passages. Pollen, pet dander, dust mites, these things make you sneeze too. You sneeze to get that shit out of your system. But really, enough already. I've sneezed enough this morning to expunge a dust mite for every fucking grain of sand on this planet.
Researching "the sneeze" I found that the nose can mistake other things for nasal irritants. Stong odors, sudden chills, bright lights, and orgasms can make you sneeze. Great.
Oh, I also found a sneeze fetish forum. Fantastic.

I don't give a shit about what makes you sneeze or who gets off on sneezing. What makes you STOP sneezing! Someone help!
Atisshoo! Atisshoo!

Ok, wait, here it is, how to stop sneezing:
- Swallow your saliva when you feel the sneeze coming. Do this repeatedly until the feeling goes away.
Done. Doing it. I'll never stop swallowing my saliva.
-Hold open your eyelid. It is almost impossible to sneeze with your eyelids open.
Ok. I'll never blink or wink again.

I think it's working. I haven't sneezed in like six minutes! This is great! I feel l like a human being again. Finally.
But I sort of miss it. Now I want to sneeze! You never know what you had until it's gone, so true, so fucking true!

Oh God, why have you forsaken me?